Unique Behaviour and Personalities

 

  Different Children, Different Needs - Dr. Charles F. Boyd & David Boehi

We know that our children sometimes really irritate us. Yet, we know that they are not bad children. It's simply that their responses and thought patterns are different from us. We must know that children have quirks of behaviour and personality.

We get frustrated easily because we can't understand why our child is not more like us. Trying to change his personality to match ours is as pointless and futile as trying to change our child's physical features to make him or her look like us completely.

The key to reducing our frustration over our child's quirks of behaviour, and to communicate with him or her, is to understand and accommodate our child's unique personality.

Every child is predisposed toward certain personality characteristics. These learning reflect his or her genetic inheritance, birth order and early environment.

A child's personality traits direct his or her preferences for responding to life and his or her communication style. For instance, just because a child is right-handed, doesn't mean the child never used his or her left hand. The child may prefer his or her right hand strongly, rarely using his or her left hand. The more the child practices on his or her handedness preference, the more the child relies on it with confidence. Similarly, the more a child responds in line with his or her personality predisposition, the stronger that styles becomes in the child.

Every Child is Unique

I am starting on another new book sharing that will help us to learn to communicate properly with our children. This book will compliment the previous book - 

By Vicki Caruana Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge

One thing that we need to know is that every Child is unique, even twin are unique in their own way.

When children are born, they come with an inheritance. It comes from the gene pool of each parent. It might not be seen at first, but it gradually unfolds. 

If you have three children, it's as though you picked up one from A, one from B and one from C. They're all different, aren't they? Each child think differently, acts differently and communicates differently. Read how some parents describe their children:

• My son has a big mouth. He's loud and goes on and on.
• My girl is a puke queen. She loves puking, especially in the car.
• My son talks first and thinks later.
• My girl is so absentminded. She seems to be thinking about too many things at the same time.
• I wonder if my son has any feelings. He always has to be right, even when it makes his friends dislike him. But he doesn't seem to care.
• My girl is seven. But even now she has a place for everything, and she isn't satisfied unless everything is in its place before she goes to bed at night. Me? I let everything lie where it falls. But does she ever get after me about that!

And so on.

Did you notice some of the words used to describe the children - lost, puke queen, absentminded? Do these words sound negative or positive? Are these traits you would want to change in your child, or could you accept them?

What if each trait or characteristic is the way God uniquely created your child, and it's your task to understand your child?

Self Improvement

This is the final step in moving your child toward producing quality work. After taking stock of how well he did, he should then take some time to consider ways he could do better the next time. Household chores are a great opportunity to practice self-improvement. Even your child's homework assignments can usually be improved. When you child reaches a point where he can think of no more ways to improve, quality have been achieved.

Let's say your child has a book report to do. On the continuum from competence to quality, your child may already be at the point of competence. He knows when the report is due and has already started reading the book. He not only understands the requirements, but he also enjoys English Class and believes that he can do a great book report if he puts his mind to do it. You remind him to make a list of the teacher's expectations to keep at his side as he works so he can n=know what is expected.

He finishes the report four days before it due and intends to hand it in early. You ask him to share his report with you and explain why he deserve an A, knowing he has come far this year in his abilities, but fearing he may be becoming lazy. You sit down together and your son goes through the report, grading himself on the expectations his teacher put forth. You remind him that in order to improve, he will likely have to fulfill the requirements even better to receive an A. You think that a B would probably be assigned for his assignment if he only did what was expected so you encourage him to do a little more.

Here is where the problems can arise. When teachers accept competent work as A work, your child may not agree that his paper is only worth a B. After all, the teacher's says it's worth an A. While his teacher may accept it, you can still help build the missing inspiration and lead him toward self-improvement. Remind him that when he enters the world of work and romantic relationships, he will want to be noticed as one who goes above and beyond. Turn this situation into an opportunity by showing the successful results that his high expectations can bring both now and later in life. 

Guide your child's understanding of quality by asking the following question: If your child could turn in a little longer report, could he improve on his teacher's expectations?

Examples

If the teacher expects him to write a two pages report, to include supporting characters listed, describe in three paragraphs etc, he can improve by writing around 2.5 pages, supporting characters listed and described, and write addition one to two paragraph more, etc.

When your child works hard to improve the report, he is able to earn an A he can be proud of. Remember the previous post: Competency plus Improvement equals quality.

adapted from

By Vicki Caruana Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge: 10 Traits Your Child Needs to Achieve Lifelong Success (Focus (1St Edition)

Self Reflection

After your child grades himself, then it's your turn to rate his work. When you first begin this process, you probably won't agree with your child's self-evaluation. That just goes to show how little children understand what quality work is.


Over time, you may find that you and your child agree more often than not. Because most children are not used to assessing their own work, maybe some parents also are not used to assessing theirs too. Helping children take ownership of the kind of work they do ultimately encourages them to be responsible for it. And learning to look objective at oneself is a skill from which children will benefit down the road.

Self-Evaluation

from shop.atozteacherstuff.com

Encourage your child to look at what they've done before claiming that they are finished. They need to be able to say,"This is my best work because..."If they know what's expected and they believe thay have done just that, they need to be able to verbalise it.

Another way to help children see how well they have done their work is to use a rubric. A rubric is similar to checklist in that it is a list of skills, but it also includes a rate scale to gauge how well each item was completed.

Competence to Quality

Learning how to produce work doesn't happen overnight. Yet determining why quality is important can be equally challenging task.

Even if you expect quality,  you may need to give your child time to work up to understand why quality is important.

Learning why is the first step. Doing competent work follows next. Once your child can prove that he can do competent work, a commitment to improvement is what will lead to quality.

What you need to do is to encourage this process, but don't mandate it. Guiding our children to do quality work because it ultimately improves their lives is the reason to do it. Making it more enjoyable should be the goal, and never just because "I" say so.

How to Measure Quality

Now that we know quality when we see it and will expect it from our children, and ourselves how do we maintain it.

There are two effective ways (you may find our your own best way) to gauge how well we are meeting and exceeding our expectations of quality. In fact, many of us have been measure on our quality of work regularly during our appraisal with our boss or reporting officer.

One of the ways to measure how well your child is doing what he does is by conferencing. You can do conferencing with your child during the journey back home, meal times, or simply a one-to-one bonding session. Just do some simple catch up talk, do not make this conferencing an interrogating session. I always like to talk to my children, one at a time, or all three together at the couch, or by their beds. When our children become involved in the process, they may come up with their own ways to improve. 

One caution note, when doing conferencing about quality try not to target more than two quality at a time. Else, we may in the end list down everything all at once that you want your child to improve upon, and this can be more than a little discouraging. We must realist that it took our children a long time to form those bad habits, and it will take a long time to break them. There a Chinese proverb saying: "It takes ten years to grow trees but a hundred years to rear people."

A second way to measure quality is to keep a record. Our bosses use scaling, grades or rubrics to measure us. Same for school, teachers use grades, which works in the school environment. As for home, I suggest using 'checklist' or 'rubrics' to monitor your child's quality level. Create a checklist of what things to notice when, for instance, they clean their room. Put this list on a clipboard or paste it on their bedroom door, etc any creative ways you can think of. Hand it to them when it is time to do the chore. As they check off each item, both you and your child can have confidence that they've done what was expected. You can reward them with praises, encouragement or a sticker to be pasted on a chart. Checklists may seem a bit regimented, but they are effective. Look around your public environment, many people are using checklist to monitor their stuff. 

Essentially, with both of these tactics, we are teaching our children that how well they do things can improve the quality of their life and the lives of those around them. One day, they will find what they learnt is useful to them.

Book recommendation:

Expect Quality from your Child

Something we need to take note. Teaching quality and expecting it are two different tasks. I would like to emphasize again.
It's one thing to set the expectation, but following through is another matter. Try to be consistent and pay attention, even though it takes more time to do so. If you teach your child now that you are serious about your expectation, their future employers, spouse, and peers will have to thank you.

My children Taekwondo coach taught them that they need to respect their parents and each time before they sleep and after they woke up, they should bow down to their parents to greet them goodnight and good morning. I can proudly say that the coach has taught them well, and they are still doing it every morning and night.

It's much easier to do mediocre or poor work. It's hard to do a quality job. But taking the easy way out does nothing to improve our lives. Why should we expect quality from our children? What do you think?
Because it's the quest for improvement that will better their quality of life.

Book Recommendation

Help your child define Quality

Is your child's definition of quality the same as you, yours?

Even if you child understands the general idea of quality, you may need to be more specific in your direction. For example when you say,"Please clean your room," does he know exactly what you mean by that? Or, when he is done, are there still clothes on the floor, the closet door left open, and his books are still lying around the table? What you need to do is to help your child to define what your expectation of quality is before you expect it from him.

Maybe, some of you might feel that it is too late to teach your child. Remember this phrase 'learning is for life'.The only time learning stop (beside death) is when we find excuses for us not to learn.

Quality work is something we must watch for and be diligent in teaching and reinforcing. Sometimes you may slacken and forgotten to reinforce it. No worries. If you realise that you have slackened, what you can do is to get your child to remind you. Tell them that you are their partner and both of you are on this journey together. You may be surprised that they will remind you regularly. When I have forgotten to pray for my children, they will say, "Papa, you have not prayed for us." Once they know what you are doing is for their good, they will join you.

Don't give up.

Book Recommendation

The three Ps of Quality

There are three Ps of Quality
1) Quality of Products
2) Quality of Processes
3) Quality of Performances

Quality of Products
How well something is produced is often a hot topic of discussion. Be it the product that you purchase or the quality work of your employees. Both will definitely influence the decision of the buyer or the employer.

Hiding behind unacceptable work does not lead to success. Our children must be encouraged to create the best product they can, as often as they can. They must be shown that school projects, even daily homework assignments, are opportunities to create quality products. They need to feel that they can stand behind their products proudly and say, "Here's my best! Take a look."

How we do what we do helps to define us, and builds our reputation. For example, why do people want to buy Volvo Car (sorry for the bias)? If you have read their review about how they make their cars, you will realise that they have put in lots of time and effort to ensure that they deliver the best to the market, especially in the area of safety. This is what the car makers want the market to know about their product. What kind of person does your child want to be known as? Is he someone who does the bare minimum to get by, or someone who goes the extra mile? Some of us didn't learn the value in doing a quality job until much later in life. Your children shouldn't have to wait to understand the importance of quality.

Quality of Processes
The steps we take to create quality products are just as important as the products themselves. If the process we use or the manner in which we create them is flawed, then the product will be flawed as well. Have you ever wonder why do most of the lifts need to have a safety certificate pasted on the lift's wall? What if one day you took a lift and you read that the safety certificate has expired, will you still take it with confidence? The student who waits until the night before his end-of-the-semester project is due to even begin, is not only putting stress on the entire family, but is undermining the end result. By putting things off to the last minute, a child is encouraged to delay steps, rush through them, or skip them altogether, which almost invariably produces inferior work.
Below are some questions that you can use to guide your child
a) What would this finished product look like if it were done well?
b) How long will it take to complete this project in a quality manner?
c) Would a schedule or timetable help to manage the completion of this project?
d) How much daily time will be required to complete the project?

Check your child's progress with him daily. Adjust his schedule if necessary.

This may seem cumbersome, but many of us are required to complete projects in this very fashion in our jobs. Helping your child develop the habit of following quality processes will set them up for future success.

Quality of Performances
There is a Chinese Proverb saying - Life is like a show. If you are able to view your own life again on a screen, do you think it will be exciting to watch?

Most of us have to present information to people, be it in our job or in some functions or events. It is the same for the children. My daughter told me that her teacher wants the whole class to present something about their childhood, and they need to present without looking at any script. This is not the first time the students were asked to present something. In fact, it is very common for students to do presentations nowadays. The classroom is a good place to practice these performance skills. Interestingly, both products and processes almost always accompany performances.
You may want to use the following questions to define or evaluate a quality performance?
a) How well prepared is the student on the subject matter?
b) Did he stay within the prescribed time (replaceable)  limit?
c) Did he use a variety of media during the presentation?
d) Did he engage his audience during the presentation, either by use of a question and answer session or by some other method of participation, likes games?
e) Did he begin with an introduction and end with a conclusion?
f) Was he enthusiastic about the content of the presentation?

Products, Processes and Performances, all are interlinked.

Book Recommendation

Commit to Quality

When you are committed to bringing out the best quality in your child, this commitment should not last for just days, weeks or months. The pursuit of quality emerges from a commitment to continuous improvement.


In the beginning of - and throughout - your child's education, your goal should be to help your child look for ways to improve. But without an informed understanding of your commitment to quality it is easy to begin to accept what was previously unacceptable. For example, you are so used to your child waking up without making his bed that you treated it as a norm and does not bother to tell him to do it. Think about it, is this acceptable? Do you want him to make his bed after he has woke up? Hence, you must have an informed understanding of your commitment to quality and what quality you want him to achieve. Building good quality begins with the most basic things of life, from brushing teeth to making of bed, etc. All these do not happen immediately, it takes time to develop.


A commitment to quality, then, like "quality control," ensures you are never settling for second best. Just as you desire quality from the products you buy, the people you are served by, and the performances you observe, your own commitment to quality will come from your desire to see your child's work defined by excellence.


Maybe you may find that it is difficult to achieve, don't give up. Keep trying. One day you will see result.

Book Recommendation

What is Quality?

I believe when you buy a sofa, or a handbag, or anything, you will definitely check the quality of the stuff before purchasing. Even when the item that you are going to purchase is on sale, you will still do quick check.
Do you do the same for your child?
Do you like this song: Que Sera Sera (Whatever will be, will be)

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

When I grew up, and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows, day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

Now I have children of my own
They ask their father, "What will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

Is this the quality that you expect for your child or from your child? Whatever will be, will be?
One of the keys to excellence that you may want to take note is: Quality
What is quality?
The Oxford Dictionary defined quality as "The standard of something as measured against other things of a similar kind; the degree of excellence of something."
Quality is respected, often expected, and primarily responsible for customer satisfaction, or the lack thereof.
In a nutshell, quality means doing more than was expected - above and beyond the call of duty.
What types of quality work your child will produce will depend on whether you seek for quality work from him when he is young. An early commitment to quality can have both immediate and future benefits for your child's development and later success in life.
If our children are going to grow into adults of quality who produce quality work, we can help them by cultivating that ability when they are young.
And school is one of the best training grounds in which to practise doing quality work.

Book to recommend

Get Involved!

You don't have to be child's actual schoolteacher to be involved in his education. But it will take more than volunteering in a classroom one hour a week to have a real impact. If you just make a simple search online, you will find many researchers or parents saying that parental involvement in a child's education is directly linked to that child's success.

What parents must realise is that their involvement in their child's education is as important as any other area of their lives and requires as much attention. Just as we must be active, informed participants in health care today, we must also be active, informed advocates of our children's education. This doesn't happen if your level of involvement is to drop your child off at school and assume all is well until you pick him up each afternoon. To be informed you must get involved.

Here are three primary ways to get involved in your child's education.
1) Become Aware
2) Be Visible
3) Be Your Child's Advocate

Become Aware
There are many things you can do to become aware of the educational experience your child is receiving.
Get the school's perspective - not just your child's - on what is being taught. How?
- Read everything that comes home with your child, from their homework to the school newsletter.
- Check out the school's website.
- Attend Parent Teacher Meeting.
- Join the school Parents Support Group, if one exists.
- Set up conferences with your child's teachers before a problem crops up.
- Engage your child in conversation about school at a time when he is more likely to talk about it, example before bedtime or during a ride, etc.
Make the effort! When you do, you'll never be able to say, "I didn't know," or I wasn't aware.

Be Visible
Most parents come to school only for special events and then never seen again. But you know when you're involved when you walk into the front office and the school clerk know you by name, for a good reason. In order for that familiarity to take place, you must volunteer some of your time at the school. And when you do, volunteer somewhere other than your own child's classroom!

Join the Parents Support Group and help to set up events or fundraisers. Thank those involved with your child in a tangible way. Food works wonders, especially sweets! If you're visible, when a problem arises, teachers and staff will be more likely to contact you right away. And if you're approachable, they won't hesitate to include you in the inside information.

Be Your Child's Advocate
The word advocate can mean so many things: a backer, a fighter, a follower, a patron, a proponent, a saviour, a spokesman, or a sponsor. But each of these synonyms implies an active role. When you are someone's "advocate," you believe in them and their message to such an extent that you deliberately and actively promote their interests and protect their reputation.

Our children are not capable of being their own advocates, yet.

• It's up to us to back their pursuits,
• fight for their rights,
• follow their lead in how they learn,
• be their patron by supporting their talents,
• be a proponent for their needs,
• save them from dangerous situations,
• speak up on their behalf, and
• sponsor their efforts at achieving success.

 They, in turn, will learn to do the same for themselves and their children.

Remember that in every school, no matter which one you choose or you are being posted to, there are things that will go wrong. It's nature of life! Yet if you stay aware, make yourself visible, and become an advocate for your children, you will have the necessary tools to address any problem that might arise. And from your efforts, your child will learn what living in this world requires.

Book Recommendation

Setting Your Sights

Before we rush into making "achievers" out of our children, it's important to first consider our goals. These skills will be powerful tools for pointing your child toward the bull's eye - the fulfilment of goals in his life. Yet if your "bull's eye' doesn't match his, you may be in a bit of a struggle.


Is your idea of success the same as your child? Maybe yes, maybe no. But before you try very hard to work to bring his idea of success in line with yours, ask yourself, "For whom am I really doing this, and why? Is it for yourself, or for him? Think about these questions for a moment.


The goal of most education systems is to develop a working system for creating productive members of society. It that your goal, or is yours more personal, based on a deeper belief system? Do your children know your goals for them or even their goals for themselves? Have you ever share with them or ask them to share with you?


It is likely you will need to discuss this as a family and commit to agreeing on a few basic goals together.

adapted from "Giving your child the excellence edge"

Book Recommendation

You are your child's teacher

Many parents feel inadequate when considering their responsibility to teach their children. Yet educators all speak of the fact that nothing they teach children in a classroom has nearly the effect of a parent's teaching in the home.

If you are a parent, you are a teacher too. Think of all the things you've already taught your child: how to brush their teeth, wear their shoes, put on their cloth, your values and beliefs, what to do or not to do in a given situation, etc. You communicated so many "firsts" to your child - whether you realise it or not. We teach our children both the positive and the negative things about life: such as whom to trust and whom to hate, how to share and how to get their own way, how to help others and how to hurt them (which is not advisable to do so).

Certainly, there are also many people and things to that contribute to our children's development. But as parents, we are the primary teachers of what this business of living is all about. Don't leave it all to the school teachers to teach.

Your decision to think about what you say and do each day makes it easy to see why your children say and do what they do each day. I can see it in my own children's behaviour.

adapted from "Giving your child the excellence edge"

Book Recommendation

So what is your response?

Reflecting on the question posted earlier, what will be your response?

Most probably you will be staring at your child, either speechless, angry, or ignoring what he said. Your child could be tired out after a whole day in school and just want to rest and watch his favourite cartoons or tv shows, just like some of us. Hence, before we response to him, maybe we can try to look at his response from his perspective. You might realise he's actually trying to shed all memory of the school day. All you're asking is for a words to fill in the details, but to him your questions or interrogation seems like something closer to torture.

On the hand, what message are you sending to your child if you never asked about his school day? Would you be telling him that his education was important to you or that you were interested in what he was learning? Or would he think you cared as little for what he was learning as he did?

In school, some students agonise over a lower mark than their usual A, while others flippantly boasted about getting an F. I wonder what must have been going on in the underachieving children's homes. What behaviours and attitudes were they picking up from their parents?

It's a fact that your child learns most of his or her life lessons - including the one on the importance of education - from you. We all sense that this is true, but it is rare to see a parent who really knows it and acts on it.

Think about it for a moment: What has your child learned from you today?
Think again: What have you learned from your parents?

If your answer is "Hmmm..." you're not alone? For most parents, the thought of adding one more thing to their already-long list of chores is virtually unbearable. But while these strategies can help you provide the very best education for your child, without daily investment of time, attention, and effort on your part, your child will never pick them up. You must dedicate the time.

In my blog, I will try to provide some strategies. And while there is no "quick fix," these strategies will help you point your child toward his personal and educational goals.

Helping your child put these strategies to use will foster his long term success. The only prerequisites are your willingness to try and your ability to keep an open mind.

Last but not least, it will be good if both parents are involved.

Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge

I am beginning a new series of sharing on "By Vicki Caruana Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge
"  by Vicki Caruana.

Topic One: Your Child's Best Teacher is You
Have you heard or said this phrases before to your child:
"What did you learn in school today?"
"I don't know."
"Well, you must have learned something. What did you do: sit around all day and stare at one another?"
"I guess."